I know I should be content with the fact that God is always by myside in the deepest darkest parts of my life. But what about that person that says they will always be there. That one that tells you they love you and they are just never there. I can’t help but to think as I write these words on my laptop that they just aren’t here. They aren’t here as these tears just continue and continue to fall. They are somewhere else doing other things.
All my life I have had to fight alone. I know God’s always there with me in a storm but it’s always me and him. Why can’t I find someone that will just fight with us? Why can’t I find someone that will pick me up off the bathroom floor because I can’t bare to lift myself up. Why can’t someone just be there to take care of me?
I feel so lost right now without a hope in the world. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but, I hope it’s not more pain and misery. Everyone is off having a grand time and I’m here alone. Right here alone! I’m always alone when I feel it counts the most. You want to know how to help me. Try when you are somewhere doing God knows what and leaving a little bit early because you know you have a friend at home that just needs your company. Try maybe buying them some flowers or just a card. Try writing them a letter. Don’t just go the day talking to them and say I don’t know what time I’m gonna get home to come see you. Very reassuring that you give two shits. At the moment it is on the back burner!
It’s funny if a friend was going through this much pain and they are telling me, I would be there for them. But who knows not all friends are like me. I guess I’m fuckin’ toxic! I don’t deserve this shyt. I deserve so much better.
My heart and my spirit is so broken right now, I can’t even think straight. I just want to go to sleep and with yesterday and the days before that never happened.
If I don’t have anyone Lord I know I have you. Please heal my broken heart!! I’m on my knees begging you and these tears won’t stop falling. I am begging you with everything that I have please, help me, fix me, and heal me. I need you right now before I go insane. I’m just so tired. Just so so tired! Please fix me Lord, please fix me!! In your name I pray –Amen