“No I don’t need anything else thank you.” I said. As I hung up the phone I took 2 deep breaths. It’s all I could do to keep from crying.
How could this be? It’s just not possible, I kept thinking. “What was he doing? Was he speeding, did someone cut him off, hell did he cut someone else off?!” My mind was in a up soar! You see me ex-husband Eric was in a car accident about 2 hours ago. I have no idea why but, the hospital called me to inform me. They said he would be going into surgery and it was pretty much be touch and go. They could not tell me if he was going to live. All they did was say, “We will do the best we can and we have our best doctor’s on the job.”
I don’t even know if he is going to make it. As my mind is racing, I went into the closet and pulled out 2 suitcases. One big black one and one medium sized one. I started stuffing my clothes into the large one. No time for folding right now, we have to go. I opened up the little one and started stuffing my daughters stuff inside. Then I emptied hers back out. I started to fold her cloths nice and neat. If I throw them in there she will think something is wrong and all I need is a 6 year old asking me “Mommy what’s wrong?” She’s already smart, a little too smart. She must get it from me. “Ha ha ha!” I giggled.
As I got out my computer to check the flight to see if it was on time, all I could do was cry. My life had never quite been the same since he had left me and Lilly. I’ve been through to many men to count and 1 failed relationship. I was seriously on a downward spiral until I got a wakeup call. It all started on May 26, 2010.
“Yes doctor I have been eating as much as I could. You know I haven’t really had an appetite since a few months ago. At least I gained a couple pounds since I last saw you.” I said
“2 pounds Ms. Lewis is not a lot. You have a little boy in there that is depending on you. Now lay back so we can see what he’s up to.”
The doctor stuck some long thing inside me and up popped my beautiful baby on the screen. I don’t know what the doctor is talking about. The last time I checked in with him the baby was fine and growing like a weed. He is taking all of my energy. Crazy huh? No wonder why I keep losing weight. He is taking it all!
“Ok um Ms. Lewis when was the last time you felt the baby move?”
“I don’t know a couple of days ago. Why is something wrong?” I say as I sit up.
The doctor runs some tests and does a lot of poking and parading and finally comes back in. “doctor please tell me what’s going on. Is there something wrong with the baby? Is there something wrong with me?” My mind was racing and all I could think about was the baby. I didn’t even want this baby at first. I hated it. I wanted it out. I was ready to get an abortion and everything but, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I mean who would want to keep a baby while you are going through a divorce! It would have been ugly. I hated Eric and I hated the spawn /seed he planted inside me with his dirty junk. But I eventually moved past that after I ran out of the doctor’s office about to get the abortion done. I had changed my mind. I started to think, babies are a blessing and a gift from God.
“Ms. Lewis, are you with me?” He snapped his fingers in my face and brought me back to reality. “Yes doctor I am, what’s going on?” I said. Can you take a seat please? We ran these test because I was concerned about the baby. He has not been responding to any of the test and when we did the ultrasound to hear the heart beat there was not one. I am sorry to say Ms. Lewis but your baby has died”
All that was echoing in my brain was ‘Died, Died, Died, Died’
After the nurses picked me up off the floor and I am to because after the doctor told me that I don’t know what happened. I doctor said that I passed out and I must have because when I woke up. I thought I was in a bad dream. But it was real. They told me I had to have a procedure to get the baby out. Basically I had to have an abortion but not an abortion. I had to have a procedure just like an abortion, but they weren’t killing the baby. That was already done. They told me I needed to do it ASAP. The doctor said that what had took him so long to come back into the room. He was setting up the procedure.
I agreed to the procedure. I mean what could I do? Keep a dead baby in me for the next 4 months? I’m good on that! It was one of the more horrible days of my life. I asked them to put me to sleep. But the doctor said that was not an option. He had to break my water and induce me and I had to give birth to a stillborn baby named ‘Jeremiah’. I cried the whole time.
No one knew I was pregnant and now to tell everyone that I had had a baby and it was stillborn was just way too much. So I just decided to keep it a secret. Only 2 people knew I was pregnant me and God and that’s how it was going to stay. I never even told my husband at the time. He was too busy running the streets and chasing after women to even care.
The doctor gave me a prescription and told me to get plenty of rest. He also had the nerve to tell me not to have sex for six weeks! I mean what the hell. I have given birth before dude! But I was like ok and I just went home and I cried for 3 days straight. I called into work, I asked my dad to watch my daughter for 3 days. I came up with some stupid excuse telling him that had to go out of town for work. He was happy to spend time with my daughter that he didn’t really care.
In those 3 days I learned about a lot about myself. I got permission from the doctor to bury baby ‘Jerimiah’. I buried him in a beautiful flower garden on the military base I worked on. I planted my favorite flowers around him, Calla Lilies, so he would not be alone and that he would know that his mother loved him. I went home after that and thought about the things I did. the things I could have prevented. If I had only been careful.
When I first found out I was pregnant I didn’t care. I kept drinking and partying. I just thought it would go away. I even heard a voice say, “Mommy I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here and no matter what you do I’m still going to be here. You can’t get rid of me. I belong to you forever!” I thought I was crazy. It must have been all the stress I was under. I just didn’t care. And even after losing a strong amount of weight the baby just kept growing and growing, then i heard another voice. It was the voice of God and he told me something that I would never forget. He said “My child how dare you not take care of this precious gift I have given you. I only give you 2 gifts for your entire life and this is how you repay me. My child wake up, this reality is real I am real and you have forsaken me. Please take care of my precious gift before it is too late.” Now can you say crazy! I can! I thought I was going nuts but I believed the voice. I stopped drinking and partying. I started to gain weight and I thought the baby was ok, but the stress I had been through and still went through had already took its tole. So 5 and a half months later I was burying my baby boy ‘Jerimiah’.
I had told myself that I had to snap out of this little depression I was in and I did. I finally got over Eric and started focusing on myself. I went to school, got a job, and I was raising my little girl to the a promising woman in today’s society.
I don’t go by societies rules but there has always been something missing. I always missed my ex. It was true love for me. My love for him was true. I loved him with everything that I had but, in return he just didn’t feel that same.
Now I’m sitting here packing to go to Washington to see a man that I love and doesn’t love me back. What is going to happen when I get there? His new little wife is not going to like it. First, she is going to wonder why I am there and second, she is going to wonder how and the hell did I find out, but you know what I don’t care. I’m coming back. I wish he could see in me what I see in him. I just love him so much that my heart hurts every time I think about him. What we have is real and when he sees me maybe he will know that.
“Where in the hell are my earrings?” I said. I’ve had those diamond earrings for about 5 years now. They are the only diamonds I own and they were given to me by Eric because, let’s face it, men mess up and I have never taken them off. The only time I have ever taken them off was when I had to go to my military drill because, they don’t let you wear diamonds. “Oh hear you are. What were you guys doing there?” I said to myself. Guess Lilly put them there. She loves trying on my jewelry. Can’t keep that little girl out of my stuff! Got to love the kids though.
“Ok plane tickets check, suitcases check, going to pick up Lilly from daycare check. I’m all set!” I said.
Oh yeah can’t forget my id’s and money. That’s really no problem. God has really blessed me with a lot after Eric. I wrote a novel a while back and to make a long story short I got published. I asked them if I could do it anonymously and they agreed. My book has done real good. I am really blessed. I never told anyone because, I don’t need no one coming to me asking me for money and all. But I know that if my parents or whoever were in a bind, I would help them out.
It is taking so long to get to Washington. Man I feel like I have ants in my pants. The plan finally lands and me and Lilly head to the rental Alamo rental car to pick up the rental. After all that we head to St. Joseph Medical Center in Bremerton, Washington. I didn’t even bother to head to the hotel. I can check in later.
As I get to the hospital my stomach is in knots. My daughter Lilly is asking all these questions I’m that I’m just not ready to answer because, hell I don’t even know! We walk up to counter and I ask to see Mr. Eric Lewis. The nurse says “Oh great are you Ms. Lewis?! He has been asking for you ever since he got out of surgery!” I say “Yes I am and he has?!” I am very shocked because I thought he hated me. Why the hell would he be asking for me. The nurse tells me he is in room 412 around the corner. “I’m sorry Ms. Lewis there are no children under 13 allowed in the room. Your daughter can stay up here with us or you can have her wait in the family waiting room.” I go to the family waiting room and to my surprise I find the whole family there. His dad, mom, sisters, brothers, cousins, and just the whole family!
They welcomed us with open arms and told me that Eric did not want to see anyone but me. not even his wife, which was strange. that’s why the hospital called me. He told them before they went into surgery to call me and tell me everything and to not let anyone into his room after the surgery until I showed up. They were just abiding by his rules. His wife was sitting in the corner and I walked over to her.
“Hey Rachael!” I said. “How are you doing?”
“I’ll be fine when I realize what this is all about. Do you know why he only wanted to see you? Do you know what’s this all about? Why wouldn’t he want to see me? Why would he want to see you? He doesn’t even like you!”
“I’m not sure but, I will surly find out for you!” It took all my might not to smack the taste out of her mouth for the little comments she just said.
As I walk into the room it is showered with gifts, balloons, and flowers. He looks so peaceful from far away but, he can’t fool me, I know he is not asleep! I walk up to him and I bend down to kiss him on the forehead but, to my surprise he leans up and kisses me right on my lips! I’m shocked for a split second but reality sinks in and I kiss him back.
The feeling that flowed through my body is unexplainable. I was worrying about what the first thing I was going to say to him would be. I was so worried should I kiss him on the cheek or just give him a hug. But he took care of all that. Before I could say anything he said
“I’m glad you came and I know you and everyone are trying to figure out why you were the first person I wanted to see. They say when you get into an accident or something tragic happens to you, your life flashes before your eyes and for me it did. When that truck was coming at me and I just knew I was about to die. You and Lilly are the ones that flashed in my mind.” I sat down “I wanted to see you so I could tell you That I still loved you. That I never meant to hurt you or Lilly. My pride is what would not let me come home to you. I want to tell you that I finally forgive myself for hurting you. I tried to disguise it by getting married and trying to put you in the back of my mind but, you were still there. You were always there. There is not a day that went by since the day I left baby that I didn’t think about you. I realize now that I want you and I love you and I don’t care who knows it. that’s why I wanted you to be the first person I saw. You’re the first person I talked to, besides God. I need you in my life baby. You were and are my best friend and I know I hurt you and I know you said you had forgive me but forgive me for not coming back to you. Forgive me for not listening to my heart. please baby forgive me for all my wrong doings and let me come home to you and Lilly. Let me back into that place that you never let anyone. Let me be your everything that I was before. I don’t think I can live another day without you in my life. Everyday it’s hard for me to breath knowing you are not the one I am coming home to! Always and Forever!”
Before I can say anything the door opens. “Daddy are you ok?” Lilly asks. “Girl you know you are not supposed to be in here!” I snap. “Who let you come back here?”
” The nurse said I could come back. She said Daddy wanted to see me.”
“Yes baby girl I do.”
” I told the nurse to let Lilly come back here 15 minutes to the tee if you did not come out. I knew she would be with you and that you would bring her. Baby I love you and I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry. Say something Please!”
At that moment I didn’t know what to say. This was the day I dreamed about my whole life. That he would come back and he would realize that he had made a mistake. All I could do was cry.
He held me and hugged me while I cried a water fall. He took my face in his hand and told me to never let go and if I still loved him to fight for me! To love him! He held me in a way that I had never been held since he had left.
And at that moment I knew in my brain I had made the right decision. I looked him in his eyes and said “Always and Forever!”
We kissed for which seemed like the longest time in history. When we looked up Lilly was gone and it was just the two of us alone again and I knew that if I walked out of that room there would be questions and answers I would have to give and I was not prepared for that. So I laid down with my man in his bed and he held me and we laughed and cried together.
After all was said and done that day, our love forever lasted through that. It lasted for our eternity. It lasted for our ‘Always and forever’.
“You see baby girl the story I told you was about true love. Me and your grandfather had been through trials and tribulations but, we found ourselves back to each other. I know you’re hurting now but if it’s true and it’s really love he will find himself back to you. He’s mad, alone, hurt, and you broke his heart but, don’t give up on him, go to him go to him, Now!” I pushed her away and as Lizzie looked back I told her “Remember Always and Forever!”